Tom Robbins – Genius Waitress

Of the genius waitress, I now sing.

Of hidden knowledge, buried ambition, and secret

sonnets scribbled on cocktail napkins; of aching

arches, ranting cooks, condescending patrons, and eyes

diverted from ancient Greece to ancient grease; of

burns and pinches and savvy and spunk; of a uniquely

American woman living a uniquely American compromise,

I sing. I sing of the genius waitress.

Okay, okay, she’s probably not really a genius. But

she is well-educated. She has a degree in Sanskrit,

ethnoastronomy, Icelandic musicology, or something

equally valued in contemporary marketplace. Even if

she could find work in her chosen field, it wouldn’t

pay beans–so she slings them instead. (The genuis

waitress is not to be confused with the

aspiring-actress waitress, so prevalent in Manhattan

and Los Angeles and so different from her sister in

temperament and I.Q.)

As a type, the genius waitress is sweet and sassy,

funny and smart; young, underestimated, fatalistic,

weary, cheery (not happy, cheerful: there’s a

difference and she understands it), a tad bohemian,

often borderline alcoholic, frequently pretty (though

her hair reeks of kitchen and bar); as independent as

a cave bear (though ever hopeful of “true love”) and,

above all, geniune.

Covertly sentimental, she fusses over toddlers and old

folks, yet only fear of unemployment prevents her from

handing an obnoxious customer his testicles with his

bill.

She doesn’t mind a little good-natured flirting, and

if you flirt with verve and wit, she may flirt back.

Never, however, never try to impress her with your

resume. Her tolerance for pretentious Yuppies ends

with her shift, sometimes earlier. She reads men like

a menu and always knows when she’s being offered

leftovers or an artificially inflated souffle.

Should you ever be lucky enough to be taken home by

her to that studio apartment with the jerry-built

bookshelves and Frida Kahlo posters, you will discover

that whereas in the public dining room she is merely

as proficient as she needs to be, in the private

bedroom she is blue gourmet virtuoso. Five stars and

counting! Afterward, you can discuss chaos theory or

the triple aspects of the mother goddess in universal

art forms–while you massage her swollen feet.

Eventually, she leaves food service for graduate

school or marriage; but unless she wins a grant or a

fair divorce settlement, chances are she’ll be back, a

few years down the line, reciting the daily specials

with her own special mixture of warmth and ennui.

Erudite emissary of eggs over easy, polymath purveyor

of polenta and prawns, articulate angel of apple pie,

the genius waitress is on duty right now in hundreds

of U.S. restaurants, smile at the ready, sauce on the

side. So brush up on your Schopenhauer, place your

order–and tip, mister, tip. She deserves a break

today.

Of her, I sing.

Tom Robbins

Playboy, 1991

*1/707/13*

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Crashing Jet Remix Contest

Top 4 winners to a one day contest, in which the contestants remixed nasa footage of a crashing remote controlled jet to music. Original footage here. Coudal has some other nice video including this one, where a man breaks all 10 commandments before breakfast. (moderately NSFW)

*19/707/13*

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Amanda Lepore, Home Taping is Killing Music

Home Taping is Killing Music is a pretty fucking sweet music blog. Lots of music videos, decent writting, and links to shit I have never heard before. Case and point, this article on Amanda Lepore. Not one, but TWO songs by her/him/shim. I have posted about Lepore in the past, and I already sort of felt like she was the most fascinating pop icon of the new millienium, but after peeping these songs I KNOW she is.

*18/707/13*

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A History of Michael Jackson’s Face

History of MJ’s Face

over at anomoalies unlimited. I suggest you use the main link as man oh man is this site FUGLY. However, the mj article is pretty funny.

Mr. Potato Head Michael

“We can all rest easier now – Michael got a new nose courtesy of Dr. Werner Mang, a German Plastic surgeon. Not only is Dr. Mang a gifted genius, but he doesn’t mind talking about how he made Michael a new nose out of part of his ear. Just in time for Mike’s child molestation trial, so he’s looking good. Except for wearing white to court, and everyone knows you don’t wear white after Labor Day. ”

*17/707/13*

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To wit: 100 Records

100 Records’ features contributors’ daily thoughts on albums past, albums present and albums obscure. There does seem to be a bias towards punk, psychobilly and metal in taste; however, the blog is replete with a variety: De La Soul, Motorhead, Skinny Puppy (for those of us whose lust for industrial has never waned), Sneaker Pimps, Jane’s Addition, The Dead Milkmen, Hedwig (for whom/which I have a personal distaste – see Velvet Goldmine), Bowie, Guided by Voices – and let’s not forget Sepultura.

News to me were the entries on Rich Kids on LSD Rock n Roll Nightmare and The Glove Blue Sunshine. Though I wasn’t expecting a passive (pastoral, even) psychedelia; however, the Rich Kids produce a more heavyhanded, schizophrenic metalcore than what their name might imply.

On the other hand, The Glove – a one-off project between Robert Smith (Cure) and Steven Severin (Siouxsie and the Banshees) is the alluring psychedelia where I thought there would be none.

*16/707/13*

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The Theremin and Peter Pringle

You might not have ever heard of the Theremin, prior to my friend Tom linking me I hadn’t. The wiki article is a fabulous read, but briefly:

“The theremin or thereminvox (originally pronounced [teremi?n] but often anglicized as [?????m?n] [1]) is one of the earliest fully electronic musical instruments. Invented in 1919 by Russian L?on Theremin, the theremin is unusual in that it requires no physical contact in order to produce music and was, in fact, the first musical instrument designed to be played without being touched. The instrument consists of an array of circuitry including two antennas around which the user moves his or her hands to play.”

If you are interested in hearing some Theremin in action Peter Pringle has some downloads available.

*15/707/13*

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Gil Mell?, Electronic Jazz and Art

“Born in 1931 in Jersey City, New Jersey, Gil Mell? displayed an early, precocious talent for art in all its forms. A winner of several national painting competitions while still in his teens, Mell? was also playing the jazz clubs of Greenwich Village before he was old enough to drive.”

The music on this site is some weird electronic jazz hybrid, I really enjoyed the track Always Midnight Somewhere, and he has a collection of interesting gfx to boot, as well as what appears to be some instruments he built himself, the sound gun below is the most intriguing.

*14/707/13*

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Channel 101, Yacht Rock

Yacht Rock is the funniest Channel 101 show i’ve seen since House of Cosbys, the premise is basically a group of impersonated rockers debating the relative merits of yacht rock, and dealing with their overly complicated lives.

*13/707/13*

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Music Day, 3Hive

Some how it became music day on Itinerate, must be a Thursday. In that vein I bring you 3Hive, which judging by its Del.icio.us ranking some of you might already know about. Well tough shit, new to me so up it goes. In particular I really dig the two tracks they have by Hotel Lights. Blurb from 3Hive about the band, which features an ex member of Ben Folds Five.

“Darren Jesse, ex-Ben Folds Five drummer, is the brainchild behind Hotel Lights. This is no solo project however. I imagine after being one of the nameless two-thirds in Ben Folds Five Jessee soured on the solo-type thing. That’s pure speculation on my part. He’s put together an impressive band featuring Mark Price (Archers of Loaf drummer) and Alan Weatherhead (a once-member of Sparklehorse) as producer and guitarist. Adam Schlesinger from Fountains of Wayne had his hand in a few tracks as well. The pedigree should get your attention, but the product will hold it. This is the kind of music I’ll never burn out on: richly-textured, finely-crafted pop songs that play effortlessly and smooth.”

*12/707/13*

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Oh Snap, The P-Funk

I have always been a George Clinton Fan, and when I saw this record 2 or 3 years ago I bought it without a second thought. To my pleasent surprise it came with a comic book, as well as a poster. Thats one of the nicest things about lp’s, the goodies that come inside. Anyway since everyone and their mom loves Parliment Funkadelic, I decided to scan the comic book and the poster, and post them for your delight. I battled a large format scanner for about an hour to get these, so I might not be posting much else today. These images are huge, I would not recommend trying to browse them on dial up, you guys don’t have dial up right?

*11/707/13*

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